How to Survive in the South

If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four wheel drive pickup with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

Remember: “Ya’ll” is singular, “All ya’ll” is plural, and “All y’alls'” is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can’t understand you either.

Be advised that “He needed killin'” is a valid defense here.

If you hear a southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he’ll ever say.

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of ‘yonder’.

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long ‘directly’ is, as in: ‘Going to town, be back directly.’

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between ‘right near’ and “a right far piece.”
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They also know that ‘just down the road’ can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

A Southerner knows that ‘fixin’ can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

A Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.

A Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”

A Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

A Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large peach cobbler!

A Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,”Bless her heart” and go your own way.

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads, “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”

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