When your Outgo exceeds your Income, your Upkeep will be your Downfall.
Even if the voices aren’t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
The most adorable bride of today will be someone’s mother-in-law in the future.
Punctual people have nothing better to do.
People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!
Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.
Save time… see it my way.
The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional.
People spend their health for wealth… then spend their wealth for health.
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.
Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.
The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up!! You don’t know where it’s been!!”
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say “Open here.” What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?
Women: Men call us birds, we pick up worms
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.
Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before, now say nothing sweet.
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You
Forget World Peace — Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There’s A Will…I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
I Haven’t Lost My Mind – It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Speech is silver, silence is golden. – Proverb
Never attribute to malice what can satisfactorily be explained away by stupidity
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Other buy online viagra stress-relief practices like light exercise or meditation have also been cited to relieve nighttime sweats. What can be done? Bowel surgery is usually required to treat the condition; however there might be some cases when a wife can ask for the divorce if her man consistently fails to cost of viagra pill satisfy her in the bed. This condition appears to be possible with all type 5 phosphodiesterase inhibitors. o Blood Pressure Effects http://canterburymewscooperative.com/another_page.html levitra from canada is systemic vasodilator which results in decreases in blood pressure in a little while after taking the dosage. It’s still a cialis brand http://canterburymewscooperative.com/item-1483 good thing to avoid it whenever possible.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
Dog for sale: It eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
Some men are against marriage they believe there’s no reason to “buy the cow” when you can “get the milk for free.
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he’ll feel worse when he feels better.
I called the suicide hot line yesterday and, when I told him how much money I lost in the market, he told me to just go ahead and do it.
Raising a child is like baking a cake – by the time you find out it’s a disaster, it’s too late.
Blondes are noticed but redheads are never forgotten.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.
I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you’ll know when to cringe next time.
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I offered to pay my lawyer for what he’s worth but he won’t work for nothing!
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Don’t hate yourself in the morning, sleep till noon.
One way for a husband to learn about do-it-yourself is to criticize his wife’s housekeeping.
It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.
The attraction to redheads is a lot like being addicted to drugs.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”
The Earth Is Full – Go Home!
I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Therapy is expensive, poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.