Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? Dracula’s dentist.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
The best dressed woman at a recent society ball was the lovely Agatha S. Skeffington, whose gown was cut so low in back, it revealed her initials.
Why did God invent whisky? So the Irish would never rule the world.
On a Scientist’s door: “Gone Fission”.
On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”
Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
At a Music Store: “Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.”
On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”
On the door of a Music Library: “Bach in a min-u-et.”
In a Podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.”
On another Butcher’s window: “Pleased to meat you.”
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
In a Beauty Shop: “Dye now!”
On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”
In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”
Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite…
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
It had no guts…
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy…
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray…
Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately…
Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don’t have any body to go out with…
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries…
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball…
What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving…
What would a monster’s psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein…
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
“Do you believe in people?”
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?
A cereal killer…
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They’re so wrapped up in themselves…
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts…
What is a vampire’s favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel…
What is a ghost’s favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane…
What type of dog do vampire’s like the best?
Bloodhounds…
What is a ghoul’s favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime…
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich…
What is a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A trombone…
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets…
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath…
What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure…
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation…
Waiter, what’s this bee doing in my soup?
The backstroke.
What do you do if a blonde has a pin in her hand?
Run like hell cause that means she’s got a bomb in her mouth.
What’s a pig’s favorite ballet?
Swine Lake
If all the people in the United States owned pink cars, what would they call the country?
A pink carnation.
What’s a wombat for?
Playing wom.
What’s mad and travels to the moon?
A luny module.
Why do doctors and nurses wear masks?
So that if someone makes a mistake no one will know who did it.
What’s a mad blackbird called?
A raven lunatic.
What made the Boy Scout dizzy?
Too many good turns.
What’s served and never eaten?
A tennis ball
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a terrible summer.
What goes into shops and puts things back on the shelves?
A dyslexic kleptomaniac.
What was Camelot known for?
A good knight life!
What two words have the most letters?
Post office.
What the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats; the other brushes coats.
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath…
What would a monster’s psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein…
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
“Do you believe in people?”
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
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What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts.
Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?
They’re making head lines across the nation!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked “Electronic cat and dog caller — guaranteed to work.”
I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s numbing cream during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication!
What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? Proofreading.
Why was she fired from her proofreading job? For throwing away all the Ws.
“She’s fine, but the other day in England, an 80-year-old woman was out for a walk in the country when she was attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd because usually British food attacks you after you eat it.” – Conan O’Brien
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?
They thought their father was an awful boar.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
Love is not blind.
It simply enables one to see things others fail to see.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
I love being married.
It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I don’t have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.
Regular naps prevent old age.
Especially if you take them while driving.
Did you hear abou that new pirate movie?
It’s rated arrrrrrrrr…
How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck an ear! Aaaarrr!
The radiation belts surrounding the earth were discovered almost simultaneously by Van Allen and another scientist named Fan.
Van Allen published first, or else the earth would have a Fan Belt.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
But put him in a car and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window.
In difficult moments, behave like a duck.
Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but keep paddling away like crazy underneath.
Everything in excess.
Moderation is for monks.
What’s the difference between a King’s son, a monkey’s mother, a bald head, and an orphan?
One’s an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?
The retail store.
What do cows do for entertainment?
Go to moo-vies.
Which job is a cow most suited for?
Baker. Because they’remaking cow pies regularly.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
To get chocolate milk.
What band is a cow favorite?
Moo-dy Blues
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
What’s the best way to catch Dolly Parton in the woods?
Use a booby trap!
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft … Today, it’s called golf.
A pessimist counting his blessings:
10 … 9 … 8 … 7…
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you idiot?”
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
“I am.” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
How is it, then, that “I do,” is the longest sentence?
What’s the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
Good friends will help you move.
True friends will help you move the body.
What’s happening when you hear “woof… splat… meow… splat?”
It’s raining cats and dogs.
Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn’t give me any trouble, just the answers!
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
I’m learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!
What kinds of wizards have their eyes closest together?
The smallest ones!
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath!
What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring it back again!
Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they usually aren’t opposed to renting them out for an hour or two.
What’s the nearest thing to silver?
The Lone Ranger’s bottom!
This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.
I bet you were mad.
Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!
What sort of animal is a slug?
A snail with a housing problem!
What does “Minimum” mean?
A very small mother!
What is an archaeologist?
Someone who’s career is in ruins!
What is hail?
Hard boiled rain!
Why are astronauts successful people?
Because they always go up in the world!
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers.
Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born.