Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “oneslice”? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” When, it isn’t all right.
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.
Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there’s a baseball player who’s worth $250 million, and I can’t remember his or her name.
Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.
It’s better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.
Nothing is impossible if you don’t have to do it yourself.
How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?
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Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?
You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.
Real courage is a willingness to attack raw oysters in public.
It’s hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Lego Toys need more memory.
Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be myself.
Isn’t it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?
I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.
To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?
Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.
My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can’t think.
You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.
If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.
The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.
There’s just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.
One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.
I read the newspaper every day just to see if there’s anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.
Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?
Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn’t the city fill in a few potholes?
Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?
I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they’re holding out for a remote that turns the pages.