Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
“You’ve got two red lights right next to each other, goober. You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…”
“Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.”
“What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?”
“Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I’m going to fry that sucker.”
“If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father.”
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“You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.”
“I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!.”
“You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?”
“Have you been drinking?”
“Where’s the cat?”