Gordon Moore has one law but we’ve got him beat. Here at the (unofficial) Tech Law Brain Trust, we maintain a definitive, ever-expanding archive of the laws that govern your technology experiences–whether you know it or not. Please scan these lists to ensure that you are in compliance.
Basic PC Laws
Let’s start with Nerve Central–the computer.
Law 1: For every fix that a Windows Update patches, the update will break two more things on your PC. –Darren Gladstone, PC World
Law 2: The likelihood that Windows will automatically install time-sucking critical updates is directly proportional to your need to get your PC started. –Steve Fox, PC World
Law 3: The hard drive always fails just before you were going to back it up. –Denise Paolucci, Dreamwidth Studios via Help A Reporter Out (HARO)
Law 4: Your data will get corrupted just before you plug in your new backup external drive. –Darren Gladstone, PC World
Law 5: Your backup plan is only as good as your last successful restore. –Michael Fisher, ElephantDrive.com via HARO
Law 6: The number of USB ports on your Mac will always be one less than you need at any given time. –Blair Hanley Frank, Macworld
Law 7: Feeling time pressure to make a computer fix quickly will cause you to take longer. –David Marshak, via PC World Facebook page
Law 8: If you close the PC case with screws before testing, it won’t work; If you test before closing, it will. –Harry Liebman via HARO
Tech Support Rules
Now that you’ve mastered the basics, you’re ready to move on to Tech Support.
Law 1: Fix a computer for a friend or family member, and you’ll be tech support for life. –Danny Allen, PC World
Law 2:Build a computer for someone, and he/she owns you! –Louis Farbstein, via PC World’s Facebook page
Law 3: Recommend a product that you’ve used with no problems, and the friend/family member who buys it will immediately descend into RMA [product return] hell. –Scott Keck, via PC World’s Facebook page
Law 4: Show any handy IT skills at work, and your company’s IT department will start referring difficult coworkers to you. –Lars Jacobsen, via PC World’s Facebook page
Law 5: If it’s broken and you call tech support, it will fix itself while you’re on hold. –Brenda Christensen, Public Relations, Servoy.com via HARO
Internet Ordinances
You can find a world of trouble online. For instance…
Law 1: Within a month of agreeing to be “friends” with your boss on Facebook you will regret it, big time. –Tom Spring, PC World
Law 2: The crappier the Web site, the sleazier (and sketchier) the ads. –Tom Spring, PC World
Law 3: When entering “Captcha” verification codes on a Web site, you’ll always type in the numeral 1 when the site wants a lowercase L, and a capital O when the site wants the number 0. –Steve Fox, PC World
Law 4: Just before taking out the boss in a WoW raid, your Internet connection will die. –Nick Mediati, PC World
Law 5: The difficulty involved in redeeming a rebate is directly proportional to the dollar value of the rebate. –Tom Spring, PC World
Law 6: A nasty draft e-mail will always find its way to the (unintended) recipient. –Brian X. Chen
Precepts of Mobile Tech
Desktop technology isn’t the only source of inevitable woe in your life. All those shiny mobile devices can cause pain, too, since the freedom of untethered technology doesn’t extend to immunity from rank on rank of frustrating unalterable laws. We report 10 master Mobile Laws here.
Law 1: The charger for your current cell phone will not work with the next cell phone you buy. –Kimberly Brinson, PC World
Law 2: Your laptop’s charger weighs half of what your laptop weighs. –Darren Gladstone, PC World
Law 3: A laptop battery will drain at twice its normal rate whenever you leave home without your power cord. –Kimberly Brinson, PC World
Corollary: Your laptop’s battery life is inversely proportional to the amount of work you need to get done on a single charge. –Blair Hanley Frank, Macworld
Law 4: Your iPod or iPhone will be on its last burst of power just as the plane door shuts. –Anne B. McDonald, PC World
Law 5: A replacement battery charger will cost 70 percent of the original purchase price of the device. For phones, the figure is 140 percent! –Robert Strohmeyer, PC World
Law 6: Your cell phone will inevitably break before your two-year contract is up, forcing you to overpay for a new, less-cool model. –Lauren Barnard, PC World
Law 7: The proprietary charging plug (cost to produce: 50 cents) for your device will disappear within two weeks and will cost you $40 to replace. –Darren Gladstone, PC World
Law 8: On any vacation, the memory card for your digital camera will be safely lodged in the card reader on your desk at home. (And the camera’s proprietary battery will be dead, with the charger sitting next to the card reader.) –Anne B. McDonald, PC World
Law 9: A cup of coffee on your desk is guaranteed to render your laptop utterly useless. –Nick Mediati, PC World
Law 10: Your MagSafe adapter will always come unplugged precisely when you need to charge your Mac laptop’s battery. –Nick Mediati, PC World
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Software Statutes
Finally, if entanglements with hardware principles don’t leave you bound and gagged, there are always software standards to render you helpless.
Law 1: Your software provider’s online support pages contain explicit instructions for troubleshooting every conceivable problem–except yours. –Mark Sullivan, PC World
Law 2: Nine times out of ten, tinkering with your Registry to fix a system issue will create a new problem that’s more severe than the original. –Travis Van, ITDatabase via HARO
Law 3: Ten times out of ten, downloading a spyware product will create hidden processes/services more insidious than the original malware/adware encroachment you set out to stop. –Travis Van, ITDatabase via HARO
Law 4: The performance increase you can expect from running a Registry cleaner can be calculated as z(n + y), where n is the number of Registry entries cleaned, y is your system CPU’s clock speed in gigahertz, and z = 0. –Robert Strohmeyer, PC World
Law 5: The larger the number of people who want your iPhone app, the likelier Apple is to reject it. –Nick Mediati, PC World
Law 6: iTunes will crash. That’s it. No, really. –Darren Gladstone, PC World
One of my favorites; Data expands so as to fill the space available for its storage.
The one time you don’t ground yourself on the metal of your case, you will be shocked.
The only time a common computer part (a fan, say) is out of stock and back-ordered is, of course, when yours goes poof.
A user receiving a new computer will insist that a program or application is not installed because the shortcut is missing from the desktop.
There will always be one person who says “My internet crash-ed”
When you need to return your computer for service, you will be able to locate every receipt you’ve ever seen in your entire life – except the one receipt you need.
Your browser or application crash will always remind you of how long you’ve been working since your last “save” of that large project or multi-page document.
Law of Data Entropy: Whatever can be erased, eventually will be erased.
Law of Data Entropy Corollary: That which cannot be erased will be misplaced.
Law of Online Information: “On the Internet, information wants to be free–except your personal information, which wants to be for sale.”
Law of Editorial Content on the Web: “Bad ideas don’t die; they just go into the Comments.”
One simple question on any Linux forum will be met with hundreds, if not thousands, of responses telling you what an idiot you are.
If someone mentions that the software they use is on a specific platform the entire thread will turn into a pendantic flame war by platform fanboys
Any passwords that you don’t write down will be forgotten when you need them and remembered prior or post need.
The liklihood of forgetting any one password is proportional to the importance of logging in at any one time.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human… To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
And if I may add – The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don’t understand is:
I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard.
Lerman’s Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.