What do Scotsmen eat?
Tart’n’pie!
What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The full moon because it’s lighter!
What town in England makes terrible sandwiches?
Oldham!
What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!
What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!
What did you get for christmas?
A mouth organ, its the best present I’ve ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
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In a croakroom!
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim!
How did Vikings communicate?
By norse code!
Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!
What is a forum?
Two-um plus two-um!