Readers often send me collections of funny headlines, but I don’t use them in my column because I can’t verify their authenticity. But when a reader recently sent me photographs of actual headlines as they appeared in newspapers, I decided to break my rule.
Some headlines convey contradictions:
–“Parents Keep Kids Home to Protest School Closure”
–“Meeting on Open Meetings Is Closed”
–“Miracle Cure Kills Fifth Patient”
–“Total Lunar Eclipse Will Be Broadcast Live on Radio”
–“Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives New Attorney”
Others state the obvious:
–“Bridges Help People Cross Rivers”
–“Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons”
–“Homicide Victims Rarely Talk To Police”
–“Starvation Can Cause Health Hazards”
–“Hospitals Resort to Hiring Doctors”
–“Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs”
–“Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25”
Others exemplify the problem they describe:
–“Illiteracy an Obstable, Study Finds”
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–“Rally Against Apathy Draws Small Crowd”
–“Missippi’s Literacy Program Shows Improvement”
Others contain, well, double meanings:
–“The Bra Celebrates a Pair of Historic Milestones”
–“Marijuana Issue Sent To Joint Committee”
Now that you’ve had your fun, see whether you can find the grammatical
or usage errors in these headlines sent to me by readers:
–“Truck Hits Tresses, Sending Part of Structure Into River” (Tom Weston, Storrs, Conn.) A hair-raising experience! (Trusses)
–“Robber Scoops Up Cash and Bolts From Store” A Home Depot? (Douglas Cooper, Princeton, N.J.)
–“Dogs Rain Supreme in Battle Over Patriotism” (Emma Anderson, Yardley, Pa.) And cats, too? (Reign)
–“Food Festival to Wet Appetites in Hebron” Soggy sandwiches? (Patricia Palmer, Mansfield Center, Conn.) (Whet)
–“Army to Give Exception, Allowing Sikh’s Turbine” A powerful guy! (Elsa Bullock, Bristol, Conn.) (Turban)
–“Selectmen’s Stand on Sludge Softening” Too much information! (Jane Bensche, Manchester, Conn.)
–“US Hockey Team Makes Short Work of Fins” (Mark Lander, Old Lyme, Conn.) Did their team dinner serve fish? (Finns)
–“Canadian Rescue Plane Leaves Tripoli Empty” (Jamie Hook, Princeton, N.J.) Talk about depopulation!
Rob Kyff, a teacher and writer in West Hartford, Conn., invites your language sightings. Send your reports of misuse and abuse, as well as examples of good writing, via e-mail to Wordguy@aol.com or by regular mail to Rob Kyff, Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254