Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tried to do.
Backfield-in-Motion: Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Benchwarmer: Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Blitz: The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Cafeteria: College: From 2 Latin words, “cafe” meaning place to eat and “teria” meaning to wretch.
Capitalism:
1. You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
2. Bankers’ Capitalism: You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.
Career-Minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Casual Work Atmosphere: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Communism:
1. Pure Communism: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need.” Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
2. Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much as you can and sell it on the black market.
3. Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.
Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Democracy:
1. Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
2. Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
3. Bureaucratic Democracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Disconfect (v.) To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Don’t worry about it, I got it: Women: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to ‘Nothing’.
Dopelar Effect: (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Draw Play: What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
Elbonics (n.) The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
End Run: Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
Feedback: Parents: The inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the mashed carrots.
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Flex Defence: The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Frust (n.) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
Gargoyle: (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Go Ahead:
Women (with raised eyebrows) – This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
Women (normal eyebrows) – This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Grade: College: Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.
Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
Half-time: The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Halfback Option: The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Hearsay: Parents: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Hunger: College: Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.
Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Instant Replay: The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.
Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
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Join Our Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you.
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
Lactomangulation (n.) Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either.”
Leftbank: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
Loud Sigh: Women: This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are a nincompoop and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to the meaning of nothing.)
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Lymph: (v), to walk with a lisp.
Major: College: Area of study that no longer interest you.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Marionettes: (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Marriage: Men: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Misty: How golfers create divots.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make “cold calls” on clients.
Must Be Deadline Oriented: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Must Have An Eye For Detail: We have no quality control.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Negligent: (adj), describes a condition where you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
No Phone Calls Please: We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Nothing: Women: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Oh: (Women) This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows “Go ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that we can’t bring ourselves to write about them.
OhNo-Second: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet.”
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
Oyster: (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Paradox: Two physicians.
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Peppier (n.) The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free market.”
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Phonesia (n.) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Please Do: (Women) This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Political Correctness: Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a dog turd by the clean end. Source: 2007 Texas A&M University Contest.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Prenatal: Parents: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Problem-Solving Skills A Must: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Puddle: Parents: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
Pupkus (n.) The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
Quarter: College: The most coveted form of currency on campus.
Quarterback Sneak: Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Relief: What trees do in the Spring.
Requires Team Leadership Skills: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.
Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Semantics: (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest’s prayer book together just before mass.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Socialism:
1. Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
2. Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Soft Sigh: Women: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Staying in the Pocket: What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.
Sterilize: Parents: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.
Stucco: What happens when you step in bubblegummo.
Student Athlete: College: See “contraction in terms.”
Summer School: College: A viable alternative to a summer job.
Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.
Sudden Death: What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes “overtime.”
Surrealism: You have two polka-dotted giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power…
Teenager: God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
Telecrastination (n.) The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.
That’s Okay: (Women) This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Thanks: (Women) A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say: “You’re welcome.”
Thanks a lot: (Women) This is much different from “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks a lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.
Top Bunk: Parents: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
Trap: You’re called on to pray and are asleep.
Two-minute Warning: The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Whatever: Women: Is a women’s way of saying ‘SCREW YOU’!
Whoops: Parents: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a washrag.”
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.