My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done – if you’re going to
kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
My mother taught me religion – you better pray that will come out of the carpet.
My mother taught me about time travel – if you don’t straighten up,
i’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!
My mother taught me logic – because, i said so, that’s why.
My mother taught me foresight – make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you’re in an accident.
My mother taught me irony – keep crying and i’ll give you something to
cry about.
My mother taught me about the science of osmosis – shut your mouth and
eat your supper.
My mother taught me about contortionism – will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck.
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My mother taught me about stamina – you’ll sit there until all that
spinach is gone.
My mother taught me about weather – this room of yours looks as if a
tornado went through it.
My mother taught me about hypocrisy – if i told you once, i’ve told
you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!
My mother taught me the circle of life – i brought you into this
world, and i can take you out.
My mother taught me about behavior modification – stop acting like your father!
My mother taught me about envy – there are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.
My mother taught me about my roots – shut that door behind you. Do you
think you were born in a barn?