Actual Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you’ll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies.
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers.
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
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Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.
Prostitutes Appeal To Pope.
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands.
For Sale – Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [He probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren’t they already obese enough?]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [No thanks…]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [Now that’s called giving…]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Ouch!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Tall, aren’t they?]
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [Enough said…]